Everything is such a blur in my life right now. What used ti be defined definite has now been reduced to nothing but pulp. Sometimes I do feel like life is really not worth living... Who are we living for? What is our objective? No goals, No aims, but plenty of unexplainable obstacles...

Why?Why is wakings each bloody moment of the day seem to be ten hours long, filled with grief, remorse, pain and anger? As people grow older, most get connected, they grow closer, friendships become stronger, life gets more living... But for me, it seems the complete opposite... Friends disappear, if not, they backstab you, or they help others turn the knife. What a wonderful world this is!

You got me confirmed. You told me that you'd always be there. You told me that a problem shared, is a problem halved, but now you use these secrets against me, THANK YOU SOO MUCH!!!

Outing on 24th May 2009(Mavis's grandma Version)

Its been almost about a month since I tapped anything in this box. Not really busy, but have had my exams which I fared badly in... If I'm not wrong I might be one of the last in the class... but what is done is done.

Mavis, Aloysius and I went to watch Night at the Museum 2 at West Mall on the 24th of May. It was a call between Night at the Museum 2 or Angels and Demons. As much as Mavis tried to persuade us to watch Angels and Demons, we pretty much ignored her plea as Angels and Demons is an anti-catholic flick which does not benefit us especially when we will be having our confirmation this Saturday. When we booked our seats, we told the lady that we wanted center seats in the fifth row. Yes, she gave us seats in the fifth row but gave us seats right at the end of the center column. Does she not understand ENGLISH??!!

Anyways, Night at the Museum2 had not met my expectations, I feel that the original film was better and the story line was weak with numerous feeble jokes that did not evoke any sense of lasting amusement. Furthermore, the execution of the film was poor. To add on, the seats were rather narrow(does not mean that I'm fat) and uncomfortable, Cineleisure is way better.

After the movie, we went to the comic shop, Comic connection or something... Mavis went pretty nutty over these guys on a key chain. Forgive me Mavis, but I don't find them cute and you do know that these 'guys' are NOT real right? Please say yes.

Finally we had teatime at Macs. Though it was just ice-cream, it was rather filling for me. Mavis, who claimed to eat really slowly, finished her ice-cream in 15 minutes flat. And surprise, surprise, Aloysius prefers strawberry sundae to the chocolate one... Now that is really rare.. Anyways we were talking about Chinese Os and Mavis had to take out her study stuff to cram for it in front of us, giving us MORE pressure. Thanks Mavis!

Then we took a train and bus to Mavis's house to look at her confirmation outfit and try to persuade her mom to give up on the Victorian dress.. By the way, its not from the Victorian age though being of an ivory color gives it an aged look. Sorry if I hurt your parents feelings but it was of the wrong color anyway.

I wont bother to type out about my house but you get the Picture. This post is for the lazy Mavis, who oh-so-kindly wrote to look here for the post. I promised her a grand mother Version thus it is written in almost perfect English and as lengthy as possible.

Why do you Leave?

I finally got my perspective on why people get married. Some may think that my vision is flawed but this is how I can identify with it so chill.

People get married only because they are scared that the one they love will leave them, hence they say 'Till death do us part'. Some say it is a pledge of love but how deep does this attachment run until they promise to be one for life?

Perhaps it is me, but I feel that this year, I am losing too many friends and loved ones. Gone is my beloved dance teacher, gone is my childhood friend, gone are my best friends. While others do not cut off contact immediately, they fade away, until their shadows merge with those of the surroundings, engulfing all that is there. Why do they choose others? Why not me? Why this year?

Perhaps it is me, but all around me are finding people that they can attach themselves for forever. But I am always standing there by myself, always alone. Most of the time, I feel that it is my alter ego that is talking to the other people, or is it the real me that is resisting change?

Change happens all around us. Change happens too quickly, too rapidly that we do not stop to show appreciation to people around us, to what we have. Perhaps I can call it complacency but I feel that I do need a little hand of hope.

When will it come? Will you stay there with me?

Please do.

Geo(Jog) to Emo

Hi. I cant remember if I wrote about the NUS Geography Challenge but I think I did. But then again, I am too lazy to search it up. I am supposed to do homework and revision now, but I'm going to drive my mom crazy with dance music and waste time...

Ha. On 4th April 2009, 5 SMSS gals are going to embark on a vigorous Geo-Trail, without the teachers, without communication devices and only their legs and Ez-link cards. Yes. I AM going. YAY!! Not that I enjoy Geo that I decided to volunteer for this competition but because the teacher signed me up for last year but I withdrew cuz I had ballet. Though I do have ballet again, I desperately want to participate to leave a legacy, especially since its like the first time SMSS got into the second round. Haix....

Oh. I saw Zachary on the 190 today. He's VERY tall yet he carried such a puny bag, the type that can max, put water bottle.-.-'' This is not the first day of school leh... Should he be carrying at least a school book?! Anyways....

Now's the emo part.So skip it if you cant take it.

She used to be a very good friend of mine, but now I'm beginning to doubt her. Its as though she is trying to distance herself from me... But I have no idea why... Does she despise me because she is in a better class than me? Or is it because I know quite a bit of her that it scares her? Or that I do not treat her special one well enough to her liking? Or is it because of how I behave?

Then again, her friends are also treating me the same way. When I say Hi, they give me a look of despise and disgust... Even Emily can sense that they do not seem happy to see us or welcome us at all. Only when they need a favor do I actually see them approach me for help, but straight after I complete their wishes, I feel that we become strange yet again. Or when I ask of any favor, they are always unable to be there or help me. Some times I wonder if they really cannot help me or do they just not want to help.

I wish and pray that they will come clean with me. If they do not want to be friends with me, just say so. I wont get angry, just wish that we could stay as acquaintances.

Confi Camp

Day 1

Not a great start cuz was late for registration cuz of school's principal's talk... Got a ride in Claire's parents' car and managed to play roti prata with her cutie little sis!!! Lov ya Rose!! You're my idol!!! Anyway, when me and Claire first got out, the facil called us 'Polka dots!!'. Yeah. We were wearing uniforms but aiya, not need to call us like that... its not like we need to be noticed even more.... Unfortunately, I was placed in his group. Yes. The one who openly mocked us. And he did continue the mockery for the rest of the camp...

Later we had some night trail in which we had to find out about god's Gifts or sth... at one station, I think it was knowledge or whatever, but we had to find 20 differences in a picture... He called me not to participate while he continued to call me polka dot and comment on my height. Yes I'm only 146... Way shorter than the others but there's no need to call me the little girl...... Arrghhh.....

Found out that I was in another sleeping dorm as claire, mavis and Marcia!!! They they are in a dorm all together..... And everyone that I know is sleeping in that dorm.... Sulks* So I went in to do some nonsense and tied my hair in some crazy hairstyle that made people notice me as well as talk to me...

Day 2

I woke at 6.30. had some long P&W session that I thought would never end... Breakfast was super pathetic... Then had to prepare for this skit... only 2 ppl were enthu, including ME! anyway, I led half a group to do the good side of money and resources(our topic). Not bad! anyways, had this interview with Father John-Paul and he was like promoting CJ... Not that its bad but I thought it was supposed to be an interview on whether we are suitable for confirmation...

Left campsite for ballet when the confi ppl when for a walk to lil Gui Lin... thank God I didn't follow... I had time to play hopscotch with Juliana cuz she wasn't bathing when They returned from the walk!!!we ended up jumping on one leg for 1.5+ meters.... haha!! It was rather hilarious....

We had confession in the evening... I haven't gone for confession in like 6 years and am damn glad I went for it... I feel tons lighter now... Anyway, while waiting for my turn, I heard some passerby use the F word about 7-8 times in 30 seconds... So freaky!!! Then. I had an emotional breakdown in front of the priest just because I said the opening sentence wrongly... Don't know why I couldn't stop crying fr what felt like 15 mins but I did...

Day 3

Woke at 7.15am... Assembly time was 7.30am. Claire and Mavis wanted to wake me but didn't know which bag was I in so they didn't. anyway, assembly time was extended to 8am... Cuz the facils couldn't wake up.Haha! What I could rmb only was that during P&W session, we were standing at the back and the SJI guys were so nice, they let us stand in front of them.... so sweet rite?

Later, we had to do clean up. We were told by our facils that we were cleaning up the big toilet where it was the filthiest!! Damn lucky they lied to us. that is the only time I ever felt so happy that someone lied to me... We had to clean the AV room. short and cool job cuz it was an air conned room. We had P&W again then we were supposed to have mass but the priest could not come cuz a tree fell in front of the church driveway... so we were released early!!! YAY!!

Ooh! I forgot, when we were taking a group video, Timothy,the group facil, said "Shermaine is short but Josephine is shorter!" Thanks so much! The video is gonna be viewed during the comfi dinner if I'm not wrong... that's so embarrassing!!!This is most likely the last time I am attending a church camp... so sad... Loved such camps with the P&W with such cool members. Miss you ppl so much!!!

Now, back to civilization... Haix...

Campie

Hi. Am going to be away for the Confirmation camp this weekend. Some how I don't feel like going. This is gonna be a short post before I run off to school AGAIN just for some Principal's Talk about Os...

I am over packing again. I said I was packing 4 tees but infact I packed around seven.... I just I just like more choices to choose from? Haha. Act, my maid is doing the packing... Hehe... Such a lazy bum am I...

gtg. Bye

Pulau Ubin + Sports Day

Hi. Blogger kena some problem cannot upload photos... will do it in face bk. anyway, its photos about my filming trip to Pulau Ubin for the Geo-Ad. My cam doesn't have all the videos, and pics, mostly its with Janice and Wang yee but will upload as much as possible.

Ms Choo was so nice she paid for the entire group's lunch and drinks(For me and wern-li only), later on she paid for ice cream and drinks too when we at the Pulau Ubin village.

Some how the group manage to force me to tie two ponytails to the off shore island. I haven't done it since like...forever? anyways, they kept on referring to me as a little girl as had to climb a tree and play around in the sand as a child. yep. once the video is with me, it be going up.

We 'bribed' three shopkeepers to do a skit for the video. The first auntie was really nice, she even memorized a script for us, but she was soo cute lor...(dont get me wrong but she looked so adorable.) It wasn't her first time though, she was featured in a show before... The we filmed a Malay couple talking "Friendly" but all the man could talk about was what the wife was going to cook for dinner, Mee Siam? Mee Rebus? So funny! But they let us film a cold scene in their shop house. So nice rite?!

Any way on the bum boat trip back, Wernli and I were taking pics of both of us making funny faces. Unfortunately, Wernli has a rather stiff face and cannot do faces. We showed them around just for laugh and Ms Choo said that that wasn't me....

Oh Ms Choo got lost traveling to Changi and we spent about 20+ mins circling Clementi, finally we had to get help from Vanessa's Dad. Then we got lost again when she had to drive us to Raffle city to film some more... Wow...talk about female drivers...

Anyways... Had a great day except for being almost late because of Ai. She was supposed to meet me at 6.50am at the Clementi Station but at 7.10, she was still at Bona Vista... Anyway, I left first,I so don't want to do CWO on the last day of school...Ewww.... but I nearly got knocked down by a car while attempting to jaywalk and tripped and dirtied my shirt and skirt as well as a small insignificant injury to my knee. But I got there JUST IN TIME!!!

Oh and Tolley won Cheer leading!!!! Though the dance wasn't a cheer lead type of dance, it was way more synchronized than the rest and had a bit more stunts, thus we won. I still fee the Tolley leaders don't have the complete control over us and there was the Indian girl,think shez sec 3, tried to act as the leader and try to be cool but she was way way horrible. In fact she cant shout and she didn't have the X factor and was so irritating. So.. I just went down and asked her to zip it. Kinda rude but effective.

gtg. have stretching to do... teacher's complaining about the loss in flexibility already... Haix... Here we go again...

Every One Lies.

Warning: Angry posting. cant take it, go else where please.

Just discovered last week that this person that I've known for almost one-third of the years I've lived, has been delivering sweet lies to me.

Just realized how true it is when people say "Every One Lies".

I do not deny that I have told lies before but the shock and aftermath of finding out that a person has been keeping up her strong profile of lies makes me wonder what type of person she really is deep down inside.

Some times, I feel that she is just an acquaintance even if she is within my grasp most of the time.

Maybe we're just not meant to be friends? maybe its just me? Maybe its because of outside influence? Or is it the time of the month ?(doubt so...)

Perhaps there is a perfectly structured answer that she has crafted? or is it the raw truth? Sometimes i question the face in front of me? Is that really her? Or another facade?

I wonder if I should ever trust her again? Maybe putting too much of my trust, having overly high expectations of a friendship is making me crumble like an over baked cookie.

she appears to be always there. But is she really there for me or is it just her nature to ask what's wrong?

My friends are now her chums, i'm not even sure if I exists in the darkest corner on their minds at all. Or do I only reappear when they are in times of need for a favour.

Who are they Who is she? Why am I feeling the way I am now?

Over the Moon

hi. Many a times, I have visited this page, yet did not possess the spirit to pen a few things down as I felt life was so bleak and monotonous, everything has been written for us. But, now, I realized that life is boring so that a single small light can make your day. It may not be a philosophy or whatever but that's EXACTLY how I feel right now.

Last Saturday, I went for this NUS Geography Challenge. It was rather eventful with me arriving 10 mis before registration(as always),Wern li and Wangyee coming just on time and Sheryl Foo coming 45 mins late and Janice who forgot to wake up that day and made us panic like hell, but she made it(thankfully).Phew.

Then comes the bomb. We had an 30 MCQ questions individually before coming together for a application Essay. Out of the 30 MCQ questions, we only knew how to do 10... can u imagine? 10/30 qns... thats like 2/3 of the paper.... any way we tried our best and... yep no regrets. For the application question, we came up with an extremely creative answer which(we believe) pulled us up. It was to build floating museums on the Singapore River and have its wall-banks pasted with murals. Kinda dumb but its feasible and new. So...


WE GOT INTO THE TOP THIRTY SCHOOLS TO PARTICIPATE IN THE NEXT ROUND!!!!!

out of 86 sch... its counted as an accomplishment since we knew practically next to nothing and st.margs has only managed to get into the second round once before... so YEP! I'm over the moon!

I'm too happy so here's abt SPA:
Physics- Totally horrible, even needed the teacher's help... lol.. to turn the retort stand clamp key... Haha... too weak...
Chem- Errr.... not that bad but had to do an experiment 3 times and faked results...hehe.. I noe not good but yup I did it...

Change of Heart or not?

HI.

I've been reflecting on how I've changed during the course of my life. Now when things are not so rosy, i don't really know what to do with myself.

My dance career feels so bleak when everywhere I go reminds me that I'm in Singapore. My studies are the bomb. I just received an F9 for A maths again... Don't understand why I do not get maths... It seems like its in another foreign language that has died out of use but still lingers on forever... Or maybe I still haven't really embraced it, shared my love for it... But I'm trying... Now I find finishing A maths homework an encouragement and hope to push me on to complete my other homework... But tests and exams always never go my way...

I've been seeing this person several times these two weeks, but I'm not so sure if it means to bloom into a friendship or something else... Life so far has been a race course for me in primary school, but in sec school, it seems more like an obstacle course where I never get past the obstacles, but even if I do, I am the last of all the racers...

On valentine's day, I gave people presents(or rather chocolate) but I received two... one of which is from my mom and the other from you. So I may have many 'friends' but am I cherished by people? What would people that I know live without me in existence? Do I make a difference in the world? Or am I just a grain of sand along the coast? Maybe its just me or I'm not really in the place where I am supposed to be? Is there another place for me? Another place that people appreciate me? Another place that people love and cherish me? Maybe I'm not meant for this world...

My problems are my burdens. Please do not pry. They are mine and mine alone. It is a path I have to walk alone.

Confusion

I've reached about the 1 month mark of living amongst a couple of witches. They cackle everyday, sending of annoying crows...

Forget it. I'm thinking about closing this avenue . Ever since I stated this thing, I have made it almost part of the ways that I vent my frustrations ans pour out my feelings, but I'm not too sure that this is the best way. I may be a bit more open now, but I wonder if the days of yesteryear are more enjoyable when I kept them to myself?

I feeling like quitting school. Its no more fun, not enjoyable at all... My parents want me to study well, get into a good school and do well in life. But my dream, my ambition does not lie in the darkness of studying. What should I do?

What am I? What is my ultimate goal? A failure or a sucess?

Long time no see

Haven't been to this site for quite a long time even though I surf the net everyday. Perhaps there is just so much going on and I cant find the right words to express this issues and I'm not too sure about publishing my thoughts anymore...

School has been so hectic and confusing that I don't really know whats going on. I feel like I'm living in a dream and that I have to play along just to reach the end. But where is the end?

I'm being reprimanded almost everyday, if not for school work then my dance, if not, it would be my parents complaining that I do not live up to expectations... Why am I never good enough for these people? Why do they push and push me until I'm at the breaking point in my life?

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so good around my friends until I could claim that I have high self esteem when the darkest, loneliest and saddest of thoughts run through my mind but still smile brightly and create crazy antics that make them think I'm nuts?

Why am I the way I am? Why do I feel the way I am? Why must I be such a two-faced person who other side never see a smile brush the surface of my skin?

I'm seriously depressed now. Sometimes when I smile, I still feel sad and even if it looks like a real happy me, I feel that I'm faking happiness. After the first time I used drama to face my daily problems, it has been integrated into my daily lives until I cannot separated my 'public personality' from my real self. I think my real self is only about 4 years old. I think that was when I first stared into my parents eyes while telling a lie. its young,yes. But it was my fear of being beaten and scolded.

I took my height and weight on Wednesday. I have been saying that I'm overweight for quite sometime already and now its a reality. I'm 3kgs overweight. I hope my teacher puts me into the TAF club. I'm worried that she will not because I look skinny on the outside but inside, I am loaded with fats.

I cant cope with the sudden change of studying. From an all time slacker to a trying-to-be studious-student, the change is too great.

The Present and the Past

Its about time I started ranting. First day already posed much of a conflict between me, Wern-li and Jing ya. Both of them wanted to sit next to me so I chose a triple seat. Then when we had our first contact time with our form teachers, we were the only group to be dispersed. Not just separated, but it was miles away from each other.And I was FORCED to seat at the rear, its actually not that bad to seat at the rear but take inconsideration my height, semi-blindness, semi- deafness and short attention span, it IS a VERY HORRIBLE ISSUE!! Worse still, I had to sit beside the 5 most annoying, noisy and bitchiest girls in my group. I cannot take it! Every time the teacher walks out of the classroom, they start playing cards and screaming. Not just 'ahhhh', its 'AHHHHH!!!' in the highest pitch the human vocals can go!

I am dying, and I'm about ready to go completely deaf and resign myself to learning sign language.

Now, back to the present, my left eyebrow was twitch frantically this morning. People say that if your eyelid twitches, something bad is going to happen. But no one said anything about the eyebrow twitching, but I assume its good news cuz my sec 4 Chinese teacher is Ms Koh! The very one that taught me last year! I guess I'm pretty glad she was assigned to our class because I find it quite difficult to adapt to new environments or people quickly.

Oh. And I visited the ACJC today. I didn't expect it to be so near to home! So that I could wake up at 6am and still reach school rather early. I saw the dance society there. I am impressed by their 2007 SYF performance results and their super high energy level that was sustained for about 2-3mins. However, they were not synchronized and I saw that they didn't have good flexibility and their technique was rather unstable. I went to their booth and it was showing this horrendous dance piece which should never have seen daylight... I also visited the subject booths and was proposed a question at the Knowledge and Inquiry booth. Surprisingly, I was the only one that got it right from a group of 2 triple science, 3 double science and 1 adult. YAY! It is amazing in the fact that someone who has absolutely no logic to solve an extremely logically question. If Claire were there, she may have called me the illogically-logical. Oo, and I saw two of my dance seniors there. Well, actually they were the ones to spot me, not because of my face but my 'long pony tail'... Wat a way to remember your Junior...

I hope that tomorrow will be a better day and the super annoying girls will zip it and give me peace.

PA horror begins

HI. Today, I'll start with a rather funny incident. When I met Claire at church today, she thought I did something to my hair today that it looked so nice today. However, it looked so "nice" because I haven't brushed my hair today. You can call it my bed head. But it was hilarious just thinking that Claire actually thought I spent time in front of the mirror taking care of my face.In fact, I my room only has a 20 by 30cm mirror. The last time I looked at myself was in my dreams...

We had Pastoral Attachment(PA) introduction today. Or rather, my PA started today whereas others' starts next year. That is because straight after the 15 min briefing, we were made to join the choir members to rehearse and sing for the 10.45 mass while the rest just enjoyed the whole mass procession. I kinda regret taking Choir due to pressure from Claire. I just realized how much I've missed dance.

It was freezing cold where I seated. And the boys had to seat on the right and the girls on the left. Don't get me wrong but it seems like the segregation of sexes. However next week, I have to seat next to the boys because we had our vocal range tested. And I am in the Alto range. Technically, I could go for a wider range and perhaps venture into the tenor or soprano range. But I am most at ease with the Alto range.

While we were being tested, two choir member brought in bags and bags of chips, bottles of soda and drinks. But I wonder, if you were in Choir, don't you have a responsibility to take care and treasure your voice?! They should be eating soupy and soothing foods and not oily,fatty,and heat-y junk food that has loads more calories than what we should consume.

other than this event the only other semi-interesting event was being a light bulb accompanying Claire and Paul on their little outing before cathecism class. I didn't really understand what they said but I learnt that Paul has Split Personality(SP) and his other persona is Paulina(I think that's how its spelled). Frankly, I don't believe that he has SP because in that condition, one can switch persona without knowing the other persona's name. Furthermore, the other persona has a name overly similar to his real name and SP occurs very often.

I gtg. To post an embarrassing video that would be enjoyed by my peers cuz its about one of my teachers. Watch out.

Surviving the First Day at School

This episode is not about bitching about teachers. No.

I hate my new class. I hate my new teachers. I hate mrs Seet. I hate mrs Yeo. Why cant I get back my old teachers?!

Yes. I survived the first day at school but I have brought home many disappointments. Mrs Khor is no longer our maths teacher. In fact, she has nothing to do with us anymore... She was really nice to us and super fun. She was more like a teaching friend than a strict authoritative monster. I am being a bit bias but we miss the good old days where we could joke with the teacher and not get into trouble.I think she is one person that we will dearly miss when we graduate from SMSS.

Now I am a community manager-in-training for 4e5. Not that I'm complaining but since I got forced out of a the role of chairman of Modern Dance, I feel that I have lost much of the natural touch of leadership. I have to make much of this role or my profile report will not look that fantastic. Especially since I need to submit applications soon.

I set up a new personal record yesterday. I managed to complete all of my holiday homework in 7 hours! My last record was 9 hours, the workload was the same. I know doing homework at the last minute is of no good to me but I notice that teachers strangely prefer my last minute works compared to those that I reviewed and did over and over again to attain perfection... Perhaps I work better under pressure? Who knows?

Tomorrow is the CCA fair. I cant believe that they are making us waste one entire Saturday morning dancing and shouting with the intention of losing our voices. Then I have to rush all the way back to Chua Chu Kang to attend ballet before rushing to Chinese Tuition. Actually, I don't mind the rushing but they kept on changing the costume and I had to rush around to purchase a satin shorts. And then they told me that they have a change of plan and we were going to wear our 3/4 tights. Its alright to change your minds but certainly not after you made everyone fork out 60 odd bucks for a pair of satin shorts!

I realized that this blog is receiving some unwanted visitors(ESPECIALLY TEACHERS) but it is what its expected when I have my head in the dirt, ignorant of how to set up a private blog. Thus I have to change several of my entries and watch out for the various taboo words.

Anyway, wish me luck. My left foot is dangling on a thread. Byebye~!